I'm working on several blog posts, but this one just won't wait.
All this week, I've been putting off getting more of the dish-washing tablets I use for the dishwasher because it rained most of the week and I just hate going to the store. I've also been involved in sorting through and processing a couple thousand family photos for multimedia archiving and I've been so absorbed in both that and some software beta testing for work that leaving the house just wasn't on the agenda if avoidable.
As the dishwasher has gotten increasingly more full throughout the week, I finally had to break down and go to the store. I chose a certain warehouse club store that is owned by a company that rhymes with Gall-Fart, (Sam's) because I had hoped to get a large container that would last the rest of the year and save me future interruptions in my more important endeavors.
I wandered around forever, trying to find the section that would have the needed item. Of course, these stores don't have the aisles labeled well enough to help anyone find much of anything. Turns out, if you want dish-washing detergent, you'll need to go to the laundry detergent aisle, but you'll have a difficult time finding the dish detergent, because it's right in the middle of unrelated items and it's a very small section. Complicating things further was the carnival-like gathering of customers around a man demonstrating some infomercial-like knives right near the section I needed to get to, and the prospect of wading through that crowd had me hoping that wouldn't be where I had to go.
Of course, that *was* where I needed to go, and after doing some math on my iPhone calculator to determine if this was a good price (sometimes these places are more expensive per unit than if you buy a small quantity at a convenience store - what a racket) I made note of the price, put my selection in the cart, and trekked across the warehouse to get in line at the cashier area.
It appeared that they were changing cashiers, but I'd hoped it wouldn't take long, because moving to another line inevitably means there will be some other time-consuming delay in the new line, so I figured I'd wait it out.
Several other people in line both in front of and behind me were commenting that it seemed as though the three employees at the cash register were doing more chatting and socializing than working (why does it take THREE employees to change cashier drawers in the first place?) and we were all getting frustrated.
Fifteen minutes later, I finally got to put my ONE item on the conveyor belt and check out. However, the item rang up about $3 higher than what the sign said.
Another 10-15 minutes later, (those behind me had long since either left without purchasing their items or moved to another line), a manager shows up and finally figures out how to adjust the price after someone moseys over to the part of the warehouse with the dish detergent and verifies that they do, indeed, have a different price on the sign than what rang up on their register.
It takes another five minutes to stand in line at the exit and wait for the "receipt checker" to make sure no one has managed to sneak out a huge jar of mayonnaise without paying for it.
I was thoroughly disgusted with the entire experience, more-so because I had only needed one item (even if it was to last the rest of the year). I vowed to never go back to that store again, or any of that chain of stores at all unless it is to get more of the monstrous-sized rawhide bones which each take Booger about 45 minutes to consume (it would take normal dogs about a day). They've got the only thing like them anywhere in town, and they are an excellent value if you ignore how much frustration you go through trying to get them.
I had numerous other errands to run and went to see a movie at the $2 theater with the roommate before finally returning home.
(Sidenote: as I type this, I see to the right side of the screen images of dish-washer detergent tablets - apparently this is Google's way of letting me know they know exactly what I'm blogging about... sort of. And oh - this is hilarious - there's an ad that says "Is there a Fed in your kitchen?" If there is, I pity the fool. And don't even get me started on the topic of the dish detergent smuggling that goes on between Canada to the U.S. now that our government is telling us what kind of dish detergent we are and are not allowed to have, all in the name of "saving the planet". Yeah, right. Nuclear "nucular" meltdown isn't NEARLY the same threat as my FUCKING PHOSPHATE-FILLED DISH DETERGENT.) SERIOUSLY!!!???
So, I get home, and my roommate, who has acted like an adolescent child all day (and not in a good way) has me totally annoyed. I decide to focus on getting chores done (even though it is after midnight) and begin loading the dishwasher.
Suddenly, the dishwasher bottom drawer goes FLYING from the kitchen to the living room, dishes scattering all over the place along the way. The roommate thought *I* did it, and I said "Are you crazy? I'm annoyed, but I'm not THAT mad!"
I had been running water in the sink and somehow missed the whole thing (which must have taken only a split second to occur) even though it happened right next to where I was standing. I stood puzzled for a moment, trying to figure out what kind of bizarre nuclear explosion had taken place in the dishwasher for this to happen. As I surveyed the silverware scattered across the living room, dining area, and kitchen I was baffled untiil I spotted Booger's tags stuck in the side of the bottom dishwasher drawer, now sitting among the carnage on the living room floor.
Turns out, Booger was sniffing the dirty dishes as I was putting them in the bottom drawer, as he often does, and had gotten his tags caught. When he yanked away and ran to the living room, he took half the dishwasher with him.
Once I got the dog tags free and the dishes picked up and the drawer loaded back into the dishwasher, it was time to get Booger's dog tag holder back on his collar with a pair of pliers. Any time you do anything with the collar or any part thereof on this dog, it's a huge ordeal, because his puppy-ness does not allow him to be still when he's in "play" mode for longer than a few seconds, and he loves to play "let's be still only long enough for you to *think* I'm going to let you finish what you're doing".
Finally, after half an hour of dog wrestling, Booger had his bling back on and I found myself covered in fur and doggie slobbers. It must have worn him out as much as me, because now Booger is snoring loudly enough to drown out the sound of the dishwasher and make the walls vibrate as I blog.
So yeah, that was my day. How was yours?
A.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
STUPID'S the problem, NOT the stuff you pour into the stupid!
In a recent interview, Penn Jillette, when asked if he thought Sarah Palin was culpable for the Arizona shootings (due to cross-hairs appearing in certain areas on a map and some of her rhetoric), responded: "...Crazy's the problem, not the stuff you pour into the crazy."
In other words, you can't blame the things crazy people do on anything but the crazy.
I agree.
I've been a fan of Penn & Teller since 1985 when I first saw them on Letterman. I remember it well. My father was dying of a glioblastoma brain tumor at age 38, and my brother and I at ages 12 and 15, respectively, were running the household by ourselves. The freedom we had as adolescent heads-of-household gave us the ability to stay up as late as we wanted. What we wanted (after spending a day at the hospital willing our father to get well so he could join us back at home and watching him slowly fade away each day) was to watch David Letterman, the man who knew how to make us laugh with his gap-toothed grin (back in the days when the gap was visible) and forget our troubles, if only for a little while.
I'll never forget Penn's hair back then. It was so... 80's. He was just a young punk, and Teller, ever-adorable but quietly evil, was the perfect complement to Penn's louder, more verbose persona.
I've watched them over the years evolve into much more than just a comedic magical duo. The two of them (in addition to being talented performers) are extremely intelligent, well-informed, and very adept at making people think, something the rest of the entertainment-media world seem to discourage.
As an adult, I've had the pleasure of attending their show and hanging out in the monkey room backstage. I've met them a few times, and interestingly enough, Penn seems much less talkative in person, while the extremely erudite Teller isn't shy at all. We have several mutual friends, and I'd say we all have a deep admiration and respect for what P&T have accomplished, not just in the entertainment world, but also in promoting atheism, freedom (via libertarianism), and the art of healthy critical thinking.
I'm something of a freedom fighter myself, which is why you'll rarely ever see me polarize on an issue. I've learned over the years that power isn't as much in who has money or position as much as it is in who has won over your mind to their way of thinking, and if you're "won over" to one side or the other on any issue, you usually end up the loser.
If there's anything I HATE, and I mean HATE with a purple passion, it's the assumption so many seem to have that there are only two options when forming opinions on important matters, that you must "choose sides". To me, both sides are equally unbalanced in any charged debate, whether it's about finances, health issues, or politics.
I've had a lot of exposure to medical and science research over the years as a think tanker and writer. (Anyone who has ever done any technical writing knows just how much one must learn in order to write accurately and effectively on any topic.) One of the areas that is of great interest (and of great concern) to me is that of the vaccine industry.
Unfortunately, much of the world seems to have fallen ill with "either-or syndrome" when it comes to the issues we are grappling with in the vaccine arena. One side believes that all vaccines are so wonderful they almost behave as though vaccines are their "gods" and run out to get each and every new vaccine that becomes available as though they were Harry Potter books or Apple products. The other tends to believe that vaccines are evil and to be avoided at all costs.
As with most things in the "real" world, the truth is somewhere in the middle. Unfortunately, those of us who are informed enough to know this end up getting accused by each side of being in the other's camp, making it very difficult for anyone to learn the facts that show neither side to be as informed as they believe themselves to be.
A few weeks ago, I got into a discussion on Twitter with some folks about the whole "Jenny McCarthy is anti-vax" bullshit. I call it bullshit because, any time someone gets called anti-ANYTHING just because they question certain aspects or are critical of it, (YES! Even if they ARE wrong!) the end result is that people start feeling bullied into keeping their mouths shut, even if they might have some valid points or concerns. After all, who wants to be ridiculed?
In both science in general and medicine specifically, even the most talented individuals are often wrong many times before they get it right, and at times it is the uneducated but very motivated who diligently work to bring information to the professionals who end up contributing valuable information. (Just ask any spoonie who has a doctor who asks them to keep a journal and explains that they use the information when writing papers and doing research on the diseases in question.) In fact, as a patient with little formal medical training, I've had many doctors ask me "What do YOU think is causing your flares?" I've learned that this is a sign of a good doctor.
I'm not a Jenny McCarthy fan, and to be sure, she's very misinformed about many things she seems to believe about vaccines and their possible connection to autism. Unfortunately, many things are being attributed to her that she has never actually said. She says that if she had it to do over again, she wouldn't get her child vaccinated, and suddenly she's accused of discouraging other parents from getting their children vaccinated.
Never mind that Jenny McCarthy is NOT anti-vaccine, but rather, PRO-vaccine-REFORM. Those who love to engage in hyperbole could not restrain themselves from isolating sound bytes of her various interviews to create an imaginary Jenny McCarthy bent on preventing every child from receiving life-saving vaccines. How DARE she QUESTION the always-perfect pharmaceutical industry!?!
I almost fell for the temptation to bash her myself, but, knowing what I do about science, medicine, and the vaccine industry itself, that's one mistake I didn't make.
First of all, let's establish that medicine, though it IS a branch of science, is NOT an EXACT science. It is as much an art as it is a science (as most physicians will tell you) since there are still so many unknowns, and always will be, despite our impressive advances and progress in diagnosing, preventing, and treating various illnesses and injuries.
Second, there is a HUGE difference between QUESTIONING the safety of something and saying it is to be avoided altogether. After researching the SV40 contamination of the polio vaccine supply over a 30 year period, and discovering that there may not be any conclusive evidence of the suspected link between SV40 in human vaccines and the particular type of brain cancer that killed my own father at age 38, I still had to consider the fact that there was not only contamination of the vaccine supply by the virus KNOWN to cause the cancerous brain tumors in monkeys, but that it went on for a 30 year period before anyone caught it. For me, that was reason enough to be concerned about the methods used in manufacturing, testing, and even disclosing information about the results of said testing of our vaccines. (That's a topic for another blog.) Nonetheless... I am NOT anti-vaccine.
For the record, I think the risks of NOT getting vaccinated are FAR worse than any risks (real or imagined) of getting vaccinated. I think most people should be vaccinated, even though I have been advised not to ever take a vaccination again after suffering paralysis on the right side of my body for several weeks after receiving a tetanus shot. (It is believed by several doctors I have seen to have something to do with me having an auto-immune disorder.) Having said that, anyone who doesn't understand that many vaccines are very experimental should check out this article.
Furthermore, even the C.D.C. says that there is no way to establish the safety of vaccines. This is why so much money and effort is put into MONITORING the adverse events people have after receiving vaccines, because it is AFTER the vaccine is received and there is an injury or death and after it occurs a significant number of times that anyone knows there is a problem that must be looked at more closely.
In a nutshell, vaccines are the MUCH lesser of two evils. There are many unknowns when it comes to the vaccine industry and vaccines themselves, enough that there is a well-established table of what is eligible for compensation under current guidelines. It clearly shows that, though the claim is constantly regurgitated that "we have been unable to establish a definite link between vaccines and this or that..." ad nauseum (it's called double-speak) that a significant number of people enough to create a specific table of specific vaccines linked to specific reactions can be established by the National Vaccine Injury Compensation Program. That speaks for itself. And yet, again, I say: GET VACCINATED! THE RISK OF HAVING YOUR CHILD DIE OF POLIO IS FAR FAR WORSE THAN THE RISK OF AUTISM, AND AUTISM IS FAR PREFERABLE TO THAT OF DEATH FROM POLIO!!!
Now, here is why those who bash those who dare to question the safety of vaccines deserve bashing themselves: NOT questioning the various unknowns prevents us from being able to discover what IS causing various reactions and PREVENTING them in the future.
For the record, it is ONLY true that there appears to be no link between autism and the INGREDIENTS which Jenny McCarthy refers to in vaccines. There have to date been NO studies done that I know of to study POSSIBLE CONTAMINATION ISSUES in various batches of vaccines that may be breaking through the blood-brain barrier and causing many of the autism spectrum disorders we are seeing surge in number over the past few decades.
As someone who is a science advocate, I do not tolerate anyone who discourages the asking of questions which may lead to answers that may lead us to the ability to all but eliminate the risks that even necessitate a vaccine injury table to start with. Yes. Even if it is done in the name of science and skepticism, it is unacceptable to ridicule someone for asking stupid questions and voicing their honest concerns, even if those concerns are 100% unfounded.
That leads me to my next point: The fact that I believe Jenny McCarthy is headed in the wrong direction with her belief that it is ingredients (rather than unintended consequences due to contaminants) that are causing autism, does not make her deserving of ridicule for her desperate efforts as a mother to help her son.
I gag when I see articles written with no other purpose than to call her a baby killer while sporting pictures of her as a sex kitten squirting mustard on a foot long hot dog with a provocative expression on her face. That kind of sophomoric behavior is akin to showing a picture of someone laughing while watching a comedy show in an article misquoting their comments about someone's tragic death.
At one point, someone referred me to a "Death By Boobies" link to Penn & Teller's episode on Bullshit! - Topic: Vaccines. While I enjoy the show for its entertainment value, I have found many of the episodes to be quite distorted, misrepresenting the side in direct juxtaposition to the side they are on. Sometimes they're just flat out wrong. Luckily, (and this is one of the things I admire about Penn) when he's wrong, he's humble enough to admit it. There is more information out now than they had access to when they did the episode on the second-hand smoke issue, and several years ago I remember Penn saying they may do an updated episode. I can respect that.
What I do not respect is when all people who question vaccine safety are painted to be morons who believe that all doctors and big pharma are in on a conspiracy to make money and keep us sick. That is a very small segment of the population that questions vaccine safety, and I am not a part of that segment. I resent anyone suggesting that I am required to be a part of that segment merely because I am not a "vaccination is my god" cheerleader.
And here is where I have a bone to pick with Penn: I mentioned that I found that episode to be cynical, and Penn asked how so, since he tries very hard NOT to be cynical. (It's one more thing I admire about P&T.) I explained that I didn't think it was fair to paint Jenny M. or anyone else, for that matter, as anti-vaccine simply for asking questions and being wrong about the questions they are asking and the theories the flawed questions are based on. (It was a Twitter conversation, so of course it was much more abbreviated, but that was the message.)
Penn conceded that he saw my point, but that the reason he saw her as anti-vax is because she has "repeated things that are lies about vaccinations". Enter cynicism: defined as one who is critical of the motives of others. To his credit, Penn did not say "She's lying." But to call it a lie and blame her for repeating it is to assume that Jenny M. knows what she is saying is a lie. Not that she should know and is just too ignorant to get it, not that she's made some errors in understanding things that she may not have enough education to "get", but that she's knowingly spreading false information. For what purpose? That is cynicism: to believe that someone who clearly needs more information has ill intent (and using the word lie is what implies that there is ill intent in my view). Why not send an overnight letter gently pointing her in the right direction? She might pay attention to someone who is known for pursuing the truth. But then, that doesn't make for as much of an entertaining show.
Penn then mentioned that "Children are dying. It's not just big titted fun and games." I agreed, and I didn't say then what I'm going to say now, because I happen to know that Penn is very prone to hyperbole and appreciate that it's part of his persona, part of his value as an entertainer. It helps him get his points across. But for the record, I'm pretty sure Jenny McCarthy doesn't think ANY of this is fun and games, big titted or otherwise.
The next thing Penn said, once it sunk in, really bothered me. "She's helped a few children die, and that's why we hit hard." As if to say "Ok, you may be right. Maybe we shouldn't call her anti-vax, but your argument is trivial compared to the lives of the children which Jenny McCarthy is guilty of taking, if only indirectly." He also sent me this link: Jenny McCarthy Body Count
It was the first time I'd ever engaged one of my long-time favorite entertainers in a debate, and I didn't want it to get ugly. I still don't. Penn knows, as Penn Says: "It's a real drag getting yelled at by your idol." But my integrity as a human being who is trying to tell the truth as I see it does not allow me to let a statement like that go un-addressed, and I've taken Penn's own words to demonstrate my point:
Penn's words: "Crazy's the problem, not the stuff you pour into the crazy."
My words: "Stupid's the problem, not the stuff you pour into the stupid."
No offense to Penn Jillette OR Jenny McCarthy, but if you are basing your decision regarding whether or not you vaccinate your children on anything Penn Jillette OR Jenny McCarthy say (or on what I say, for that matter) on your teevee (or anywhere else), YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID. The ONLY people who should be influencing your decision on whether you vaccinate your kids are your pediatrician and your good common sense. If you don't have common sense, nothing Penn Jillette says will help you make the right decision, and nothing Jenny McCarthy says will lead you to the wrong one. Hopefully, what I am saying will at least inspire you to look at ALL of the information, and not just the limited fare you will find at an over-priced restaurant vs. a fast food joint. I prefer a buffet, where I am free to see all of the information and the associated options, such as vaccinating only for those diseases that are deadly (Polio) and foregoing those that are more suspect according to many M.D.'s (Gardasil for H.P.V. which does NOT guarantee immunity to all strains, many of which can be contracted via unprotected oral sex.)
Crazy and stupid are twins. Perhaps not identical twins, but twins nonetheless. Crazy people do crazy things regardless of what Sarah Palin says, and stupid people do stupid things, regardless of what Jenny McCarthy says. Smart people do smart things, regardless of what Penn Jillette says, and well-informed people do well-informed things. Period.
"But, but... she has so many adoring fans. She's being irresponsible." blah blah blah.
Again, ANYONE who takes advice on medical issues from anyone other than a scientist or medical professional is, by definition, stupid. If it's not Jenny McCarthy it will be a psychic, religitard, shaman, or some other "stuff you pour into the crazy and/or stupid" who convinces someone to buy into a crazy-ass conspiracy theory and/or scares some ignorant person into putting their kids in danger by not vaccinating them.
When you start making ANYBODY who says ANYTHING responsible for something someone ELSE does or DOESN'T do that kills someone, you put freedom of speech on the line. And no, this is NOT the same thing as yelling "FIRE!" in a crowded theater.
Someone who yells "FIRE!" in a crowded theater KNOWS there is no fire and does it as a prank or for other nefarious purposes. To suggest that Jenny McCarthy KNOWS she is doing something wrong or is doing this as a prank is ridiculous AND cynical, and that is what anyone who makes that analogy is suggesting.
I leave you with a few facts:
There are reports that those who have survived the H1N1 infection have developed super-immunity. It has long been considered that there may actually be value to not getting vaccinated against some diseases, because your own immune system (assuming it is healthy and functioning properly) is amazingly able to create immune reactions that some vaccines are not, and which some vaccines may very well inhibit.
There are findings that many children who have received the chicken pox vaccine have contracted the illness anyway, and that their ability to fight future herpes outbreaks of herpes zoster (shingles) may be inhibited by having received the vaccine that reduces the number of natural antibodies they would otherwise have against it. Vaccine companies have responded by saying that the vaccine is effective, but that "boosters" are needed. Forgive MY cynicism here, but isn't it a rather church-lady brand of conveeeenient that the vaccine is found to be "less effective" (read: ineffective in some) and that the "fix" is to purchase another vaccine "booster" or two down the road?
Reactions to vaccines are almost always labeled "inconclusive" when investigating whether they are indeed connected to vaccines, regardless of the consistency, while concerns are always labeled as "speculation". Again, I refer you to the vaccine injury table. There's a reason why you are required to sign a waiver of liability before receiving a vaccine in many places.
If any one of you reading this is truly concerned about the danger we face as a species with people refusing to get vaccinated out of fear or ignorance (remember, there's little we can do about crazy or stupid) here are the TRUE culprits that have caused the public to lose faith in the vaccine industry and the governments that mandate it:
A.
P.S. TALK TO YOUR PEDIATRICIAN ABOUT GETTING YOUR KIDS VACCINATED! PLEASE!
P.S.S. Here is a link to a web site giving information about Fluvirin. It clearly states that: "this is not a complete list of side effects and others may occur". You'll notice that none of the really bad side effects are listed on that site. As luck would have it, I happen to have access to a COMPLETE list of possible side effects directly from the package insert of the Fluvirin vaccine for H1N1 (something to which most patients are not given access, and some have even been denied access when asked):
*Local injection site reactions (including pain, pain limiting limb movement, redness, swelling, warmth, ecchymosis, induration)
*Hot flashes/flushes
*Chills
*Fever
*Malaise
*Shivering
*Fatigue
*Asthenia
*Facial edema.
*Immune system disorders
*Hypersensitivity reactions (including throat and/or mouth edema)
*In rare cases, hypersensitivity reactions have lead to anaphylactic shock and death
*Cardiovascular disorders
*Vasculitis (in rare cases with transient renal involvement)
*Syncope shortly after vaccination
*Digestive disorders
*Diarrhea
*Nausea
*Vomiting
*Abdominal pain.
*Blood and lymphatic disorders
*Local lymphadenopathy
*Transient thrombocytopenia.
*Metabolic and nutritional disorders
*Loss of appetite.
*Arthralgia
*Myalgia
*Myasthenia
*Nervous system disorders
*Headache
*Dizziness
*Neuralgia
*Paraesthesia
*Febrile convulsions
*Guillain-Barré Syndrome
*Myelitis (including encephalomyelitis and transverse myelitis)
*Neuropathy (including neuritis)
*Paralysis (including Bell’s Palsy)
*Respiratory disorders
*Dyspnea
*Chest pain
*Cough
*Pharyngitis
*Rhinitis
*Stevens-Johnson syndrome
*Pruritus
*Urticaria
*Rash (including non-specific, maculopapular, and vesiculobulbous).
In other words, you can't blame the things crazy people do on anything but the crazy.
I agree.
I've been a fan of Penn & Teller since 1985 when I first saw them on Letterman. I remember it well. My father was dying of a glioblastoma brain tumor at age 38, and my brother and I at ages 12 and 15, respectively, were running the household by ourselves. The freedom we had as adolescent heads-of-household gave us the ability to stay up as late as we wanted. What we wanted (after spending a day at the hospital willing our father to get well so he could join us back at home and watching him slowly fade away each day) was to watch David Letterman, the man who knew how to make us laugh with his gap-toothed grin (back in the days when the gap was visible) and forget our troubles, if only for a little while.
I'll never forget Penn's hair back then. It was so... 80's. He was just a young punk, and Teller, ever-adorable but quietly evil, was the perfect complement to Penn's louder, more verbose persona.
I've watched them over the years evolve into much more than just a comedic magical duo. The two of them (in addition to being talented performers) are extremely intelligent, well-informed, and very adept at making people think, something the rest of the entertainment-media world seem to discourage.
As an adult, I've had the pleasure of attending their show and hanging out in the monkey room backstage. I've met them a few times, and interestingly enough, Penn seems much less talkative in person, while the extremely erudite Teller isn't shy at all. We have several mutual friends, and I'd say we all have a deep admiration and respect for what P&T have accomplished, not just in the entertainment world, but also in promoting atheism, freedom (via libertarianism), and the art of healthy critical thinking.
I'm something of a freedom fighter myself, which is why you'll rarely ever see me polarize on an issue. I've learned over the years that power isn't as much in who has money or position as much as it is in who has won over your mind to their way of thinking, and if you're "won over" to one side or the other on any issue, you usually end up the loser.
If there's anything I HATE, and I mean HATE with a purple passion, it's the assumption so many seem to have that there are only two options when forming opinions on important matters, that you must "choose sides". To me, both sides are equally unbalanced in any charged debate, whether it's about finances, health issues, or politics.
I've had a lot of exposure to medical and science research over the years as a think tanker and writer. (Anyone who has ever done any technical writing knows just how much one must learn in order to write accurately and effectively on any topic.) One of the areas that is of great interest (and of great concern) to me is that of the vaccine industry.
Unfortunately, much of the world seems to have fallen ill with "either-or syndrome" when it comes to the issues we are grappling with in the vaccine arena. One side believes that all vaccines are so wonderful they almost behave as though vaccines are their "gods" and run out to get each and every new vaccine that becomes available as though they were Harry Potter books or Apple products. The other tends to believe that vaccines are evil and to be avoided at all costs.
As with most things in the "real" world, the truth is somewhere in the middle. Unfortunately, those of us who are informed enough to know this end up getting accused by each side of being in the other's camp, making it very difficult for anyone to learn the facts that show neither side to be as informed as they believe themselves to be.
A few weeks ago, I got into a discussion on Twitter with some folks about the whole "Jenny McCarthy is anti-vax" bullshit. I call it bullshit because, any time someone gets called anti-ANYTHING just because they question certain aspects or are critical of it, (YES! Even if they ARE wrong!) the end result is that people start feeling bullied into keeping their mouths shut, even if they might have some valid points or concerns. After all, who wants to be ridiculed?
In both science in general and medicine specifically, even the most talented individuals are often wrong many times before they get it right, and at times it is the uneducated but very motivated who diligently work to bring information to the professionals who end up contributing valuable information. (Just ask any spoonie who has a doctor who asks them to keep a journal and explains that they use the information when writing papers and doing research on the diseases in question.) In fact, as a patient with little formal medical training, I've had many doctors ask me "What do YOU think is causing your flares?" I've learned that this is a sign of a good doctor.
I'm not a Jenny McCarthy fan, and to be sure, she's very misinformed about many things she seems to believe about vaccines and their possible connection to autism. Unfortunately, many things are being attributed to her that she has never actually said. She says that if she had it to do over again, she wouldn't get her child vaccinated, and suddenly she's accused of discouraging other parents from getting their children vaccinated.
Never mind that Jenny McCarthy is NOT anti-vaccine, but rather, PRO-vaccine-REFORM. Those who love to engage in hyperbole could not restrain themselves from isolating sound bytes of her various interviews to create an imaginary Jenny McCarthy bent on preventing every child from receiving life-saving vaccines. How DARE she QUESTION the always-perfect pharmaceutical industry!?!
I almost fell for the temptation to bash her myself, but, knowing what I do about science, medicine, and the vaccine industry itself, that's one mistake I didn't make.
First of all, let's establish that medicine, though it IS a branch of science, is NOT an EXACT science. It is as much an art as it is a science (as most physicians will tell you) since there are still so many unknowns, and always will be, despite our impressive advances and progress in diagnosing, preventing, and treating various illnesses and injuries.
Second, there is a HUGE difference between QUESTIONING the safety of something and saying it is to be avoided altogether. After researching the SV40 contamination of the polio vaccine supply over a 30 year period, and discovering that there may not be any conclusive evidence of the suspected link between SV40 in human vaccines and the particular type of brain cancer that killed my own father at age 38, I still had to consider the fact that there was not only contamination of the vaccine supply by the virus KNOWN to cause the cancerous brain tumors in monkeys, but that it went on for a 30 year period before anyone caught it. For me, that was reason enough to be concerned about the methods used in manufacturing, testing, and even disclosing information about the results of said testing of our vaccines. (That's a topic for another blog.) Nonetheless... I am NOT anti-vaccine.
For the record, I think the risks of NOT getting vaccinated are FAR worse than any risks (real or imagined) of getting vaccinated. I think most people should be vaccinated, even though I have been advised not to ever take a vaccination again after suffering paralysis on the right side of my body for several weeks after receiving a tetanus shot. (It is believed by several doctors I have seen to have something to do with me having an auto-immune disorder.) Having said that, anyone who doesn't understand that many vaccines are very experimental should check out this article.
Furthermore, even the C.D.C. says that there is no way to establish the safety of vaccines. This is why so much money and effort is put into MONITORING the adverse events people have after receiving vaccines, because it is AFTER the vaccine is received and there is an injury or death and after it occurs a significant number of times that anyone knows there is a problem that must be looked at more closely.
In a nutshell, vaccines are the MUCH lesser of two evils. There are many unknowns when it comes to the vaccine industry and vaccines themselves, enough that there is a well-established table of what is eligible for compensation under current guidelines. It clearly shows that, though the claim is constantly regurgitated that "we have been unable to establish a definite link between vaccines and this or that..." ad nauseum (it's called double-speak) that a significant number of people enough to create a specific table of specific vaccines linked to specific reactions can be established by the National Vaccine Injury Compensation Program. That speaks for itself. And yet, again, I say: GET VACCINATED! THE RISK OF HAVING YOUR CHILD DIE OF POLIO IS FAR FAR WORSE THAN THE RISK OF AUTISM, AND AUTISM IS FAR PREFERABLE TO THAT OF DEATH FROM POLIO!!!
Now, here is why those who bash those who dare to question the safety of vaccines deserve bashing themselves: NOT questioning the various unknowns prevents us from being able to discover what IS causing various reactions and PREVENTING them in the future.
For the record, it is ONLY true that there appears to be no link between autism and the INGREDIENTS which Jenny McCarthy refers to in vaccines. There have to date been NO studies done that I know of to study POSSIBLE CONTAMINATION ISSUES in various batches of vaccines that may be breaking through the blood-brain barrier and causing many of the autism spectrum disorders we are seeing surge in number over the past few decades.
As someone who is a science advocate, I do not tolerate anyone who discourages the asking of questions which may lead to answers that may lead us to the ability to all but eliminate the risks that even necessitate a vaccine injury table to start with. Yes. Even if it is done in the name of science and skepticism, it is unacceptable to ridicule someone for asking stupid questions and voicing their honest concerns, even if those concerns are 100% unfounded.
That leads me to my next point: The fact that I believe Jenny McCarthy is headed in the wrong direction with her belief that it is ingredients (rather than unintended consequences due to contaminants) that are causing autism, does not make her deserving of ridicule for her desperate efforts as a mother to help her son.
I gag when I see articles written with no other purpose than to call her a baby killer while sporting pictures of her as a sex kitten squirting mustard on a foot long hot dog with a provocative expression on her face. That kind of sophomoric behavior is akin to showing a picture of someone laughing while watching a comedy show in an article misquoting their comments about someone's tragic death.
At one point, someone referred me to a "Death By Boobies" link to Penn & Teller's episode on Bullshit! - Topic: Vaccines. While I enjoy the show for its entertainment value, I have found many of the episodes to be quite distorted, misrepresenting the side in direct juxtaposition to the side they are on. Sometimes they're just flat out wrong. Luckily, (and this is one of the things I admire about Penn) when he's wrong, he's humble enough to admit it. There is more information out now than they had access to when they did the episode on the second-hand smoke issue, and several years ago I remember Penn saying they may do an updated episode. I can respect that.
What I do not respect is when all people who question vaccine safety are painted to be morons who believe that all doctors and big pharma are in on a conspiracy to make money and keep us sick. That is a very small segment of the population that questions vaccine safety, and I am not a part of that segment. I resent anyone suggesting that I am required to be a part of that segment merely because I am not a "vaccination is my god" cheerleader.
And here is where I have a bone to pick with Penn: I mentioned that I found that episode to be cynical, and Penn asked how so, since he tries very hard NOT to be cynical. (It's one more thing I admire about P&T.) I explained that I didn't think it was fair to paint Jenny M. or anyone else, for that matter, as anti-vaccine simply for asking questions and being wrong about the questions they are asking and the theories the flawed questions are based on. (It was a Twitter conversation, so of course it was much more abbreviated, but that was the message.)
Penn conceded that he saw my point, but that the reason he saw her as anti-vax is because she has "repeated things that are lies about vaccinations". Enter cynicism: defined as one who is critical of the motives of others. To his credit, Penn did not say "She's lying." But to call it a lie and blame her for repeating it is to assume that Jenny M. knows what she is saying is a lie. Not that she should know and is just too ignorant to get it, not that she's made some errors in understanding things that she may not have enough education to "get", but that she's knowingly spreading false information. For what purpose? That is cynicism: to believe that someone who clearly needs more information has ill intent (and using the word lie is what implies that there is ill intent in my view). Why not send an overnight letter gently pointing her in the right direction? She might pay attention to someone who is known for pursuing the truth. But then, that doesn't make for as much of an entertaining show.
Penn then mentioned that "Children are dying. It's not just big titted fun and games." I agreed, and I didn't say then what I'm going to say now, because I happen to know that Penn is very prone to hyperbole and appreciate that it's part of his persona, part of his value as an entertainer. It helps him get his points across. But for the record, I'm pretty sure Jenny McCarthy doesn't think ANY of this is fun and games, big titted or otherwise.
The next thing Penn said, once it sunk in, really bothered me. "She's helped a few children die, and that's why we hit hard." As if to say "Ok, you may be right. Maybe we shouldn't call her anti-vax, but your argument is trivial compared to the lives of the children which Jenny McCarthy is guilty of taking, if only indirectly." He also sent me this link: Jenny McCarthy Body Count
It was the first time I'd ever engaged one of my long-time favorite entertainers in a debate, and I didn't want it to get ugly. I still don't. Penn knows, as Penn Says: "It's a real drag getting yelled at by your idol." But my integrity as a human being who is trying to tell the truth as I see it does not allow me to let a statement like that go un-addressed, and I've taken Penn's own words to demonstrate my point:
Penn's words: "Crazy's the problem, not the stuff you pour into the crazy."
My words: "Stupid's the problem, not the stuff you pour into the stupid."
No offense to Penn Jillette OR Jenny McCarthy, but if you are basing your decision regarding whether or not you vaccinate your children on anything Penn Jillette OR Jenny McCarthy say (or on what I say, for that matter) on your teevee (or anywhere else), YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID. The ONLY people who should be influencing your decision on whether you vaccinate your kids are your pediatrician and your good common sense. If you don't have common sense, nothing Penn Jillette says will help you make the right decision, and nothing Jenny McCarthy says will lead you to the wrong one. Hopefully, what I am saying will at least inspire you to look at ALL of the information, and not just the limited fare you will find at an over-priced restaurant vs. a fast food joint. I prefer a buffet, where I am free to see all of the information and the associated options, such as vaccinating only for those diseases that are deadly (Polio) and foregoing those that are more suspect according to many M.D.'s (Gardasil for H.P.V. which does NOT guarantee immunity to all strains, many of which can be contracted via unprotected oral sex.)
Crazy and stupid are twins. Perhaps not identical twins, but twins nonetheless. Crazy people do crazy things regardless of what Sarah Palin says, and stupid people do stupid things, regardless of what Jenny McCarthy says. Smart people do smart things, regardless of what Penn Jillette says, and well-informed people do well-informed things. Period.
"But, but... she has so many adoring fans. She's being irresponsible." blah blah blah.
Again, ANYONE who takes advice on medical issues from anyone other than a scientist or medical professional is, by definition, stupid. If it's not Jenny McCarthy it will be a psychic, religitard, shaman, or some other "stuff you pour into the crazy and/or stupid" who convinces someone to buy into a crazy-ass conspiracy theory and/or scares some ignorant person into putting their kids in danger by not vaccinating them.
When you start making ANYBODY who says ANYTHING responsible for something someone ELSE does or DOESN'T do that kills someone, you put freedom of speech on the line. And no, this is NOT the same thing as yelling "FIRE!" in a crowded theater.
Someone who yells "FIRE!" in a crowded theater KNOWS there is no fire and does it as a prank or for other nefarious purposes. To suggest that Jenny McCarthy KNOWS she is doing something wrong or is doing this as a prank is ridiculous AND cynical, and that is what anyone who makes that analogy is suggesting.
I leave you with a few facts:
There are reports that those who have survived the H1N1 infection have developed super-immunity. It has long been considered that there may actually be value to not getting vaccinated against some diseases, because your own immune system (assuming it is healthy and functioning properly) is amazingly able to create immune reactions that some vaccines are not, and which some vaccines may very well inhibit.
There are findings that many children who have received the chicken pox vaccine have contracted the illness anyway, and that their ability to fight future herpes outbreaks of herpes zoster (shingles) may be inhibited by having received the vaccine that reduces the number of natural antibodies they would otherwise have against it. Vaccine companies have responded by saying that the vaccine is effective, but that "boosters" are needed. Forgive MY cynicism here, but isn't it a rather church-lady brand of conveeeenient that the vaccine is found to be "less effective" (read: ineffective in some) and that the "fix" is to purchase another vaccine "booster" or two down the road?
Reactions to vaccines are almost always labeled "inconclusive" when investigating whether they are indeed connected to vaccines, regardless of the consistency, while concerns are always labeled as "speculation". Again, I refer you to the vaccine injury table. There's a reason why you are required to sign a waiver of liability before receiving a vaccine in many places.
If any one of you reading this is truly concerned about the danger we face as a species with people refusing to get vaccinated out of fear or ignorance (remember, there's little we can do about crazy or stupid) here are the TRUE culprits that have caused the public to lose faith in the vaccine industry and the governments that mandate it:
- Guatemalan prisoners intentionally infected with syphillis. (At one time, those who knew about this and have been talking about it for decades were called "crackpots" and "conspiracy nuts".) Yep.
- U.S. prisoners said to have been experimented on as well, though they haven't yet admitted that one. Give it another 30 years or so. Trust me on this one. (Or don't, but pay attention 30 years from now when the politician-du-jour decides to save face by apologizing for it at just the right moment.) Hey, I can own my cynicism. Sometimes it's warranted.
- SV40 - Simian Monkey Virus known to cause brain cancer in monkeys found in contaminated Polio vaccines over a 30-year period. Original studies are VERY difficult to locate now, but at one time showed 80% cancer rate in recipients of batches known to be contaminated. That percentage dropped in later "studies" with over-inflated "estimates" of the number of recipients of contaminated doses. It's easy to manipulate percentages when you multiply the number of recipients artificially and count them as people who got the contaminated vaccine (even if theirs wasn't) and didn't get sick. There's also no documentation to support their claim of how many people actually received the contaminated vaccines. Skepticize THAT!
- The fact that anyone who dares ask questions about the safety of vaccines gets slandered and ridiculed, insuring that their questions and concerns WILL NEVER GET ADDRESSED, and thusly their willingness to get their kids vaccinated will never materialize, because instead of stressing that the danger of NOT vaccinating is far worse than any other possible concern, you're too busy ridiculing them for asking questions. They're ignorant because you're KEEPING them that way!
- U.S. Soldiers are being experimented on with vaccines for which the government can not find volunteer test subjects.
Penn mentioned Jenny McCarthy's "great rack". I like her rack too, Penn, but mine's pretty nice too, and it's REAL But what I'd like people to consider, is that Jenny McCarthy isn't wrong because she has a great rack. She's wrong because she's wrong. When I'm wrong, it's because I'm human and have made a mistake. It's not because I'm sporting a couple of nice D-cups.
I'm sure Penn's got a great cock, but it has nothing to do with why he's sometimes wrong, so I've never thought to mention it.
I still love ya', Penn, and maybe I'm expecting too much, but I'd like to see less hyperbole on Bullshit! - less make-believe that nobody exists who questions vaccines other than because they are conspiracy nuts. If educating the ignorant is the goal, just know that the ignorant don't hear us when we ridicule them. (Trust me, I've tried that, too... and how.)
"Those who question the benefit of mass immunisation are not all irrational non-believers. Most support vaccination but are concerned at - and question the necessity for - the large number of vaccines and the early ages at which these are given. Many have studied the research, only to find - as I have - contradiction and uncertainty. They deserve to be treated with respect and given the opportunity for an open and honest debate."- Dr. Richard Halverson, letter to the British Medical Journal
A.
P.S. TALK TO YOUR PEDIATRICIAN ABOUT GETTING YOUR KIDS VACCINATED! PLEASE!
P.S.S. Here is a link to a web site giving information about Fluvirin. It clearly states that: "this is not a complete list of side effects and others may occur". You'll notice that none of the really bad side effects are listed on that site. As luck would have it, I happen to have access to a COMPLETE list of possible side effects directly from the package insert of the Fluvirin vaccine for H1N1 (something to which most patients are not given access, and some have even been denied access when asked):
*Local injection site reactions (including pain, pain limiting limb movement, redness, swelling, warmth, ecchymosis, induration)
*Hot flashes/flushes
*Chills
*Fever
*Malaise
*Shivering
*Fatigue
*Asthenia
*Facial edema.
*Immune system disorders
*Hypersensitivity reactions (including throat and/or mouth edema)
*In rare cases, hypersensitivity reactions have lead to anaphylactic shock and death
*Cardiovascular disorders
*Vasculitis (in rare cases with transient renal involvement)
*Syncope shortly after vaccination
*Digestive disorders
*Diarrhea
*Nausea
*Vomiting
*Abdominal pain.
*Blood and lymphatic disorders
*Local lymphadenopathy
*Transient thrombocytopenia.
*Metabolic and nutritional disorders
*Loss of appetite.
*Arthralgia
*Myalgia
*Myasthenia
*Nervous system disorders
*Headache
*Dizziness
*Neuralgia
*Paraesthesia
*Febrile convulsions
*Guillain-Barré Syndrome
*Myelitis (including encephalomyelitis and transverse myelitis)
*Neuropathy (including neuritis)
*Paralysis (including Bell’s Palsy)
*Respiratory disorders
*Dyspnea
*Chest pain
*Cough
*Pharyngitis
*Rhinitis
*Stevens-Johnson syndrome
*Pruritus
*Urticaria
*Rash (including non-specific, maculopapular, and vesiculobulbous).
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Sorry, But I'm Too Busy To Kill Myself Right Now
The fact that the entire month of February went by without one single blog post from me is a testament to the fact that I am entirely too busy with the chaos of daily life, unable to manage things enough to make time for that which is most important to me. However, since much of my activity this year has involved helping others through difficulty with unexpected challenges as much as dealing with my own, I don't feel that it is totally wasted.
Unfortunately, far too much of my time (and likely, yours as well) is spent communicating with the companies which provide the products and services on which I depend about the fact that their products and/or services are not working and/or being administered properly, and ironing out the difficulties caused by those malfunctions. It's part of our world, I suppose, but a very wasteful part of it, nonetheless.
The only solution is for everyone to pay more attention to the details of what they are doing in an effort to avoid careless mistakes, but it is not a realistic expectation, it seems. Such is the lament of an obsessive-compulsive person like myself.
In my last post, I was reflecting on the loss of a friend to an apparent suicide and the fact that, regardless of how I die, it would be nice to know in my last moments that I had left a message of some sort to my dear ones - some last words, if you will, and that perhaps it might bring them comfort after my death (and perhaps even while I'm still living). In fact, it is in an effort to relieve some anxiety that I do this... anxiety about the possibility that I would likely be prevented from killing myself by the fact that I hadn't yet crafted a clever suicide note even if I really really needed to kill myself, like if my limbs were all rotting off after finding myself stuck between a couple of boulders while vultures eat me alive. (Yep. That's how those of us with severe anxiety think. We actually consider that outrageous things like that could happen. Didn't know this seemingly overly-optimistic gal could be so concerned about such unlikely events, eh?)
I can't foresee myself ever committing suicide, but I'm pretty sure that most of those who have done it didn't see themselves doing it, either, until they reached the breaking point. I believe that, for the most part, suicide (since our legal system considers it a crime) is a "crime of passion". Sure, there are those who have planned to kill themselves (terroristic suicide bombers, etc.) but most find themselves in overwhelming circumstances that, temporary though they may be, they simply can not bear and feel that their only hope of escaping those circumstances is to end their lives.
Of course, there are also those who suffer with chronic illnesses and their associated pain. Certainly that is an understandable (and unfortunate) reason why many choose to end their lives. I have had my share of chronic pain, but thankfully, I have developed a tolerance for it and have not experienced it severely enough for a long enough period of time to bring me to the point at which I want to end my life.
If I ever ended my life, I would have to say that the most likely culprit would also be the one thing that will probably make it impossible for me to ever do so: O.C.D.
I crack a lot of jokes about having obsessive-compulsive disorder. Unlike many who use the term to refer to those who are merely perfectionists, I am clinically diagnosed. My O.C.D. manifests itself in a myriad of ways, not all of which most would recognize as "typical". In fact, many would consider them bizarre. Regardless, the effect it has had on my life has been devastating, and it has kept me from many things which I otherwise might have accomplished.
Unimportant, time-wasting tasks take on far more importance in the life of someone with O.C.D. than just about anything else. Some are unable to prioritize at all, while others (like myself) are only able to prioritize enough to remain barely functional, maintaining the appearance of normalcy, while secretly wasting our true (and possibly stellar) potential on these worthless obsessions.
Those who are not functional at all maintain very prolonged periods of constant obsessive activity with one or a very limited number of tasks, while those of us who are able to "fake" being somewhat normal are able to take "breaks" of varying periods of time from our obsessions. This fools many mental health care workers into believing that we are more functional than we actually are, or that it's "not that bad", because they do not understand that, though we may be driving or managing to hold down a job or completing certain projects, our minds are constantly back and forth between the task at hand and the task we secretly feel the need to be doing.
Not only does the task we are doing and the efficiency of doing it suffer in quality at times due to that distraction, but the anxiety level we experience as a result causes even more mental disturbance and perpetuates the cycle of obsessive behavior, which is usually driven by anxiety to start with. Perhaps even more importantly, the stress hormones which we produce in an over-abundance as a result of this constant state of anxiety tend to cause very real physical damage to our bodies, which makes O.C.D. even more debilitating.
You don't just wash your hands a lot with O.C.D. (It's true: some don't experience the desire to wash their hands compulsively at all). You also lose sleep, are often irritable with loved ones, are unable to meet deadlines, your work is affected, your finances (and other important aspects of daily life like exercise, health, and nutrition) often go neglected... Sounds a lot like what those who are addicted to drugs experience, except that there is no "rehab" for O.C.D. You can't just "quit" the tasks in your daily life that have become a part of your obsessive rituals cold turkey the way some stop smoking, drinking, or doing drugs (insert Charlie Sheen joke here) - unless of course, you end your life.
In a nutshell, everything that has gone wrong in my life that wasn't merely a matter of bad luck (and there has been plenty of that as well) has been a direct effect of me having O.C.D. Many of the "mistakes" I've made in life haven't been a result of me "making bad choices" as much as simply side effects and/or consequences of my inability to make a choice at all, often suspended in time and losing an awareness of anything other than the overwhelming force inside of me that makes it unbearable for me NOT to record the U.P.C. code on every item in my house. (Thank you, Apple, for making that easier to do with my iPhone. Seriously. That's where the time to blog comes from - instead of writing them down or entering them in a computer manually, I'm able to scan them into an inventory program in the phone.)
That particular manifestation of my O.C.D. is thought to come from the fact that I once lost everything in a house fire and the fear that, if I don't keep track of everything in my general vicinity, I might experience the trauma of waking up with a house burning down around me again someday. (Don't worry. It's not supposed to make sense.) But, back to my point: The extreme anxiety I so often feel in life that probably drives much of my O.C.D. behavior, if it ever became severe enough for me to want to kill myself, would likely lose out to the urge to complete a great many tasks before I did so, and since, with O.C.D. no task is ever truly completed, I would never get around to dying.
Does this mean I'm immortal? Hopefully not! While I love life itself and, imperfect and full of strife though it often may be, I even love MY life. Still, I have no desire to live forever. The fact that at some point all of my frenetic activity will one day cease and I will one day take a (to borrow an S.N.L. skit phrase) "final dirt nap" is sometimes the only comfort I find in the chaos that life so often throws my way (and that which I often, though unintentionally, make into even MORE chaos). In other words, the reason I don't want to live forever is that all of these obsessive rituals make a person REALLY. FUCKING. TIRED.
Several therapists have told me that they see strong symptoms of attention deficit disorder (A.D.D.) in me as well. Ironically, I believe that it is this very disorder that allows me to become distracted enough from my obsessive tasks that I am occasionally able to get other, more important things, done. (Uncle Greg, since you are a psychiatrist, PLEASE immediately take this information and formulate a cure. I know you can do it, Graig! My life depends on it! But hey, no pressure.)
When I do finally take that final dirt nap, I think it might be nice if this blog post were read at my funeral. Not only would it help others understand a tiny bit of what those of us with O.C.D. actually go through, but it might also provide a bit of humor as well. (By the way, I don't really want a dirt nap. I want an URN nap.)
I'm too busy to actually sit down and write a thorough "goodbye" letter or eulogy for myself, because, since that is something designed for the end of my life, it falls at the very end of my very long to-do list.
Anyone charged with speaking at my "fun-eral" would likely say something like: "She lived life to the fullest... sort of. That is to say, when she wasn't scanning U.P.C. numbers from that bag of socks and toiletries she bought at Walmart, that girl really knew how to have fun! Why, sometimes she would crack jokes while getting the dishes squeaky clean in preparation for putting them in the dishwasher, and I'll never forget that time she streaked across the football field so she could count the number of steps it takes to get to the other side, and her impression of "The Count" from Sesame Street when she counted the number of green beans on her plate. Yep. That Angela really knew how to live!"
Indeed.
(Indeed has six letters, and if you ever want to know how many letters are in just about any word you speak in a conversation we're having, just ask. I can probably tell you before you finish the question. Question, by the way, has eight letters, yet oddly, the word "eight" has only five, five has only four, but EUREKA! Four actually has FOUR letters, making it the perfect spelling of a number for a "mini-Monk" like myself... consider it the O.C.D. version of a prime number.)
So there. More than a month after I promised I'd write some thoughts on my life to be pondered upon my death, I finally got around to constructing this blog post. And, if you're reading this, it means I also managed to proof-read it and post it.
And now, here is my final message to you.
Dear Friends, Family, and Acquaintances:
Because I care enough to not leave you with the torturous question of "why?", I am writing this suicide note before I kill myself. The reason I'm killing myself is: _____________________. You'll have to fill in the blank yourself, because the more I think about it, the more I realize there are many many reasons why this life is just too much for me to handle, and by the time I alphabetize them all in a list, the suicide note will have become far too long to be considered anything other than a manifesto, which will mislead you into thinking that I'm crazy in a few ways that I'm actually NOT crazy.
I'm going to go kill myself now... as soon as I finish alphabetizing my underwear by color, or maybe by pattern, or perhaps numerically according to the U.P.C. number if I can look it up before I get distracted by something else I need to do. You see, I can't possibly finish my last will and testament without having a complete inventory of everything I own listed alphabetically by category and cross-referenced.
Oh, for fuck's sake. Forget it. I'm too busy to kill myself right now.
Love Always,
A.
Unfortunately, far too much of my time (and likely, yours as well) is spent communicating with the companies which provide the products and services on which I depend about the fact that their products and/or services are not working and/or being administered properly, and ironing out the difficulties caused by those malfunctions. It's part of our world, I suppose, but a very wasteful part of it, nonetheless.
The only solution is for everyone to pay more attention to the details of what they are doing in an effort to avoid careless mistakes, but it is not a realistic expectation, it seems. Such is the lament of an obsessive-compulsive person like myself.
In my last post, I was reflecting on the loss of a friend to an apparent suicide and the fact that, regardless of how I die, it would be nice to know in my last moments that I had left a message of some sort to my dear ones - some last words, if you will, and that perhaps it might bring them comfort after my death (and perhaps even while I'm still living). In fact, it is in an effort to relieve some anxiety that I do this... anxiety about the possibility that I would likely be prevented from killing myself by the fact that I hadn't yet crafted a clever suicide note even if I really really needed to kill myself, like if my limbs were all rotting off after finding myself stuck between a couple of boulders while vultures eat me alive. (Yep. That's how those of us with severe anxiety think. We actually consider that outrageous things like that could happen. Didn't know this seemingly overly-optimistic gal could be so concerned about such unlikely events, eh?)
I can't foresee myself ever committing suicide, but I'm pretty sure that most of those who have done it didn't see themselves doing it, either, until they reached the breaking point. I believe that, for the most part, suicide (since our legal system considers it a crime) is a "crime of passion". Sure, there are those who have planned to kill themselves (terroristic suicide bombers, etc.) but most find themselves in overwhelming circumstances that, temporary though they may be, they simply can not bear and feel that their only hope of escaping those circumstances is to end their lives.
Of course, there are also those who suffer with chronic illnesses and their associated pain. Certainly that is an understandable (and unfortunate) reason why many choose to end their lives. I have had my share of chronic pain, but thankfully, I have developed a tolerance for it and have not experienced it severely enough for a long enough period of time to bring me to the point at which I want to end my life.
If I ever ended my life, I would have to say that the most likely culprit would also be the one thing that will probably make it impossible for me to ever do so: O.C.D.
I crack a lot of jokes about having obsessive-compulsive disorder. Unlike many who use the term to refer to those who are merely perfectionists, I am clinically diagnosed. My O.C.D. manifests itself in a myriad of ways, not all of which most would recognize as "typical". In fact, many would consider them bizarre. Regardless, the effect it has had on my life has been devastating, and it has kept me from many things which I otherwise might have accomplished.
Unimportant, time-wasting tasks take on far more importance in the life of someone with O.C.D. than just about anything else. Some are unable to prioritize at all, while others (like myself) are only able to prioritize enough to remain barely functional, maintaining the appearance of normalcy, while secretly wasting our true (and possibly stellar) potential on these worthless obsessions.
Those who are not functional at all maintain very prolonged periods of constant obsessive activity with one or a very limited number of tasks, while those of us who are able to "fake" being somewhat normal are able to take "breaks" of varying periods of time from our obsessions. This fools many mental health care workers into believing that we are more functional than we actually are, or that it's "not that bad", because they do not understand that, though we may be driving or managing to hold down a job or completing certain projects, our minds are constantly back and forth between the task at hand and the task we secretly feel the need to be doing.
Not only does the task we are doing and the efficiency of doing it suffer in quality at times due to that distraction, but the anxiety level we experience as a result causes even more mental disturbance and perpetuates the cycle of obsessive behavior, which is usually driven by anxiety to start with. Perhaps even more importantly, the stress hormones which we produce in an over-abundance as a result of this constant state of anxiety tend to cause very real physical damage to our bodies, which makes O.C.D. even more debilitating.
You don't just wash your hands a lot with O.C.D. (It's true: some don't experience the desire to wash their hands compulsively at all). You also lose sleep, are often irritable with loved ones, are unable to meet deadlines, your work is affected, your finances (and other important aspects of daily life like exercise, health, and nutrition) often go neglected... Sounds a lot like what those who are addicted to drugs experience, except that there is no "rehab" for O.C.D. You can't just "quit" the tasks in your daily life that have become a part of your obsessive rituals cold turkey the way some stop smoking, drinking, or doing drugs (insert Charlie Sheen joke here) - unless of course, you end your life.
In a nutshell, everything that has gone wrong in my life that wasn't merely a matter of bad luck (and there has been plenty of that as well) has been a direct effect of me having O.C.D. Many of the "mistakes" I've made in life haven't been a result of me "making bad choices" as much as simply side effects and/or consequences of my inability to make a choice at all, often suspended in time and losing an awareness of anything other than the overwhelming force inside of me that makes it unbearable for me NOT to record the U.P.C. code on every item in my house. (Thank you, Apple, for making that easier to do with my iPhone. Seriously. That's where the time to blog comes from - instead of writing them down or entering them in a computer manually, I'm able to scan them into an inventory program in the phone.)
That particular manifestation of my O.C.D. is thought to come from the fact that I once lost everything in a house fire and the fear that, if I don't keep track of everything in my general vicinity, I might experience the trauma of waking up with a house burning down around me again someday. (Don't worry. It's not supposed to make sense.) But, back to my point: The extreme anxiety I so often feel in life that probably drives much of my O.C.D. behavior, if it ever became severe enough for me to want to kill myself, would likely lose out to the urge to complete a great many tasks before I did so, and since, with O.C.D. no task is ever truly completed, I would never get around to dying.
Does this mean I'm immortal? Hopefully not! While I love life itself and, imperfect and full of strife though it often may be, I even love MY life. Still, I have no desire to live forever. The fact that at some point all of my frenetic activity will one day cease and I will one day take a (to borrow an S.N.L. skit phrase) "final dirt nap" is sometimes the only comfort I find in the chaos that life so often throws my way (and that which I often, though unintentionally, make into even MORE chaos). In other words, the reason I don't want to live forever is that all of these obsessive rituals make a person REALLY. FUCKING. TIRED.
Several therapists have told me that they see strong symptoms of attention deficit disorder (A.D.D.) in me as well. Ironically, I believe that it is this very disorder that allows me to become distracted enough from my obsessive tasks that I am occasionally able to get other, more important things, done. (Uncle Greg, since you are a psychiatrist, PLEASE immediately take this information and formulate a cure. I know you can do it, Graig! My life depends on it! But hey, no pressure.)
When I do finally take that final dirt nap, I think it might be nice if this blog post were read at my funeral. Not only would it help others understand a tiny bit of what those of us with O.C.D. actually go through, but it might also provide a bit of humor as well. (By the way, I don't really want a dirt nap. I want an URN nap.)
I'm too busy to actually sit down and write a thorough "goodbye" letter or eulogy for myself, because, since that is something designed for the end of my life, it falls at the very end of my very long to-do list.
Anyone charged with speaking at my "fun-eral" would likely say something like: "She lived life to the fullest... sort of. That is to say, when she wasn't scanning U.P.C. numbers from that bag of socks and toiletries she bought at Walmart, that girl really knew how to have fun! Why, sometimes she would crack jokes while getting the dishes squeaky clean in preparation for putting them in the dishwasher, and I'll never forget that time she streaked across the football field so she could count the number of steps it takes to get to the other side, and her impression of "The Count" from Sesame Street when she counted the number of green beans on her plate. Yep. That Angela really knew how to live!"
Indeed.
(Indeed has six letters, and if you ever want to know how many letters are in just about any word you speak in a conversation we're having, just ask. I can probably tell you before you finish the question. Question, by the way, has eight letters, yet oddly, the word "eight" has only five, five has only four, but EUREKA! Four actually has FOUR letters, making it the perfect spelling of a number for a "mini-Monk" like myself... consider it the O.C.D. version of a prime number.)
So there. More than a month after I promised I'd write some thoughts on my life to be pondered upon my death, I finally got around to constructing this blog post. And, if you're reading this, it means I also managed to proof-read it and post it.
And now, here is my final message to you.
Dear Friends, Family, and Acquaintances:
Because I care enough to not leave you with the torturous question of "why?", I am writing this suicide note before I kill myself. The reason I'm killing myself is: _____________________. You'll have to fill in the blank yourself, because the more I think about it, the more I realize there are many many reasons why this life is just too much for me to handle, and by the time I alphabetize them all in a list, the suicide note will have become far too long to be considered anything other than a manifesto, which will mislead you into thinking that I'm crazy in a few ways that I'm actually NOT crazy.
I'm going to go kill myself now... as soon as I finish alphabetizing my underwear by color, or maybe by pattern, or perhaps numerically according to the U.P.C. number if I can look it up before I get distracted by something else I need to do. You see, I can't possibly finish my last will and testament without having a complete inventory of everything I own listed alphabetically by category and cross-referenced.
Oh, for fuck's sake. Forget it. I'm too busy to kill myself right now.
Love Always,
A.
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