Relentlessness Revisited

Ever have one of those weeks when there seems to be a very obvious theme to everything that occurs? Everything you do, even seemingly unrelated things, seem to link together with a subtle (and somehow very strong) message, whispering something in your ear.


About six years ago, I had a friend who expressed admiration of my tenaciousness. We were both frequent posters on a message board and frequently found ourselves arguing with people who held irrational views on everything from politics and religion to, well, just about anything the a-skeptical mind can come up with.


One of the marks of an obsessive-compulsive is that, when in a debate and the other side insists on coming up with irrational, poorly-thought-out responses arguing their side out of pure stubbornness and any sane person would let it drop, the obsessive-compulsive will not quit until every single inaccuracy has been addressed.


I don't know that there is always any meaningful purpose in that, but there were times when I actually would win people over with my logic, and even had some people re-examining their views and allowing themselves to explore the possibility that there might be more to know than what they had been spoon-fed since birth about politics and religion.


My friend commented that I was relentless, and then proceeded to tell me that the difficult things I was dealing with I could easily overcome, because "the world is random, and random things will always happen to trip you up, but you're not random, you're relentless, and relentlessness will always win out in the end."


I'm paraphrasing, but that was the gist of it.


Throughout the past six years, and throughout my ordeal with the feds, her voice echoed in my mind. "You're not random. You're relentless." That got me through a lot of things.


I was reminded of her words once again last month when a friend I've known for a little over a year told me that he just couldn't get over how I remained persistent over the past year with quite a few unbelievable difficulties I had dealt with, and how I didn't give up, as time after time, I found new ways to overcome obstacles that appeared, seemingly out of nowhere.


Some of us just seem to have lives like that, and I think it's easy, when you're caught up in day-to-day survival, to overlook the fact that you are, in fact, kicking life's ass back just as hard as it's going at yours.


But then, there's always the observant friend who doesn't have a life like that, who doesn't overlook the fact that you're kicking life's ass, and expresses awe over it.


Seeing oneself through the eyes of that person is an incredible experience. I'm very hard on myself, and I usually view myself as inadequate. I frequently don't feel up to the tasks I'm faced with, and perhaps the only reason I'm able to meet the challenges in my life is that I'm on autopilot, following instincts and allowing my subconscious to direct me where my conscious mind has no clue to go, or how to get there. That's an ironic mode for a logician, I know, but that's just how it is.


So, when I'm presented with comments that someone is impressed with my persistence, it often catches me off guard. Imagine searching for change in your couch, only to have your best friend tell you that you've got a million dollars in your mattress that you forgot you had. It really is that dramatic of a jolt sometimes.


It's as though I'm the Cowardly Lion, only to discover that I've had courage all along. What a wonderful feeling!


So, thank you friends, for reflecting that strength back at me so that I can see it. Friends are like mirrors, you can't really see who you are with out them.


-A.M.