Now that I'm blogging this, I realize that it is this kind of disgust that I needed, perhaps, to get me back to my blog. Still, I wish there had been something different that had catapulted me into my desk chair. I guess I should just be glad something did.
First, I'll tell you the background story:
Years ago, I had a very interesting career as a research analyst and think-tanker. I was in demand partially because of my I.Q. test scores, (between 155 and 180, depending on the test) but mainly because the Meyers-Briggs personality test results show that I am an I.N.F.J. Less than 1 percent of the population is an I.N.F.J. and we tend to be quite useful in evaluating and analyzing situations and coming up with realistic solutions. (Except, in my case, I am not so good at coming up with solutions to my own problems. How ironic.)
Anyway, throughout my career in this field, I rubbed elbows with many interesting people. Some of these people I really looked up to, and some became very good friends. Over the past several months, I have begun to reconnect with some of these people with whom I lost touch over the course of my imprisonment and subsequent period of supervised release. Altogether, that's five years.
Five years is a long time for people to wonder what happened to you. Those who know me well know that I have always had a habit of disappearing for extended periods. Sometimes that's just what I have to do in order to get to a place where I can focus on whatever project I'm working on. Think tanks are very mentally taxing, and for me, it became a need to isolate myself from everything other than the project to which I was assigned, and I would actually become immersed in the project to the exclusion of everything else.
Those whom I consider to be true friends have expressed complete shock after learning what happened over the past 5 1/2 years of my life. They had assumed I was deeply immersed in several projects or had perhaps lost my mind and become a hermit living in a cave somewhere, writing theories on the walls, growing a beard and talking to soccer balls with seaweed for hair. Oops, never-mind. That was Tom Hanks in Cast Away...
I've taken my time reconnecting with people, because it's very emotionally taxing to relive everything by explaining where I've been and how I got there, why I wasn't able to communicate, etc. Regardless of whether one believes a convict deserved to be incarcerated or not, or whether or not it was "their own fault" for making the mistakes that put them there, the experience is no different to the person experiencing it than that of being kidnapped and isolated from the world for an extended period of time. The fear of being judged as a result of someone else thinking they have some moral high ground over you because you've been to prison and they haven't, and the fact that most people suffer from the delusion that you wouldn't have been sent to prison unless what you did was far worse than anything they have ever done, requires much courage to reintroduce yourself into their lives and "come out" to them.
So, it was with great disappointment that I learned recently about some things that went down with a group I was once loosely associated with. I say "loosely" associated with, because I never really cared for the nucleus of this group as much as I did the outer circle of the group. I considered these to be very cool people, misfits much like myself just trying to survive with whatever burdens had attached themselves to their backs, be it physical disability, mental or emotional idiosyncrasies, or whatever.
The nucleus of this group consists of a small handful of what could be considered B-list (or C or D-list) celebrities. (No, Kathy Griffin is NOT one of them. She's actually A-List in my book.) Those B-D-listers are not nearly as interesting as the people on the outer edges of their group, but they apparently hold themselves in very high esteem, as I have experienced first-hand the consequences of their over-inflated sense of self-importance.
It all started when I received a letter from a friend while I was in jail awaiting a court date. This friend was letting me know that there were some folks within our circle who had decided that I was someone to be ostracized and shunned, and that perhaps it was because they knew that I was aware of some things about their lives that they would rather not become public knowledge.
My response was that it made no sense for them to shun me out of fear or for any other reason, specifically because they were not perfect themselves, and I pointed out that the people in question had actually done things that, while perhaps devoid of ill-intent, could very well land them in prison if they were discovered.
I was making a point, not a threat. Yet somehow, my letter became the catalyst for a series of events that leaves me shaking my head in both disappointment and disgust.
When I was released more than 3 1/2 years ago, I paid a visit to the federal building, where not only was I required to visit periodically throughout my period of supervised release, but where I also enjoyed speaking with some people who work there who were sympathetic to what they considered to be an overly-harsh sentence as they watched what took place with my case. (No doubt, these would be considered infidels to others who work with them.)
It was then that I learned that, while I was "locked up", there had been phone calls made to the prosecutor's office and/or probation office (which are essentially the same thing) by people claiming that I had "made threats" to "write nasty things about them in my blog". REALLY???
After I shared a good laugh with the person who told me this, my response was "Wow! That's awesome! Somebody really thinks my blog is extremely important and very powerful! Wish I had known!"
It was then made clear to me that even the folks receiving these calls at the federal building thought it was ridiculous. "Who cares? It's the internet! So what if someone writes mean things about you?" I suppose the idea that there were people campaigning to silence my freedom of speech at a time when I didn't even have access to a computer only made some of these federal employees even more sympathetic to my plight. They had seen me betrayed and badmouthed by people who had previously been close to me, and now they were listening to them attack my right to express myself by lying about me (which is itself, a crime, when lying to a federal officer of the court) and some imaginary threat to talk about their secrets on my blog. (Again, I'm flattered that my blog is perceived by my enemies/friend-emies as being so important, so influential and powerful as to even matter who or what I discuss.)
To make this even more absurd, many of the people in this "group" (for lack of a better term) are people who claim libertarian views, some of whom have been quoted as saying that nobody should go to prison for anything unless it involves physical harm or death, (I agree), all who claim to value freedom of speech and the Bill of Rights, (except for other people's rights when it inconveniences them, clearly), and at least one of whom used to keep a blog and was, herself, bullied into "not discussing anything to do with" the all-important nucleus of "the group". Oh, and let's not forget that one of these people was once heavily into recreational drugs.
Ok. So that was bad enough. But wait! There's more!
Last night, someone I hadn't spoken to in years contacted me and filled my ears with interesting tidbits, or rather, huge bombs of information so disturbing I couldn't believe it, even in light of what I already knew they had done several years ago by calling the feds about my alleged plan to take over the world with my blog.
Apparently, he had been paid/requested/strongly encouraged to insert himself into the personal lives of several people perceived to be "threats" to the nucleus of this group and their lifestyle and the secrecy of it all, posing as a friend while actually there to "keep tabs" on these people. Can you say CREEPY boys and girls?
Why he decided to tell me this, I'm not sure. Perhaps he's as fed up with their delusional sense of self-importance as others apparently have become. Maybe he feels guilty. He certainly has reason to be ashamed of feeding such a despicable group of hypocrites with such trust-betraying information. (Sorry, but you know you do.)
Just for the record, I'll be taking so many secrets I've kept for so many people to the grave with me that there won't be room for me in the casket. I'll have to be cremated. And, if I ever found myself in a position where I felt compelled to reveal a confidence with which I have been trusted, to a certainty it would have to be something of monumental importance. Sorry, but the insignificant details of your personal lives, your "secret activities", and indeed, you yourselves as human beings, just aren't important enough for this blogger to bother with.
Fortunately, in ironing out details of some upcoming public speaking and broadcasting endeavors, I've met some far more respectable people whom I'm sure are worthy of the upward-gaze they receive from someone of such insignificant stature as myself. Let's just hope I never end up in jail again, lest I discover that they too, have secrets of which they are afraid I'll blog about.
A.
Anyway, throughout my career in this field, I rubbed elbows with many interesting people. Some of these people I really looked up to, and some became very good friends. Over the past several months, I have begun to reconnect with some of these people with whom I lost touch over the course of my imprisonment and subsequent period of supervised release. Altogether, that's five years.
Five years is a long time for people to wonder what happened to you. Those who know me well know that I have always had a habit of disappearing for extended periods. Sometimes that's just what I have to do in order to get to a place where I can focus on whatever project I'm working on. Think tanks are very mentally taxing, and for me, it became a need to isolate myself from everything other than the project to which I was assigned, and I would actually become immersed in the project to the exclusion of everything else.
Those whom I consider to be true friends have expressed complete shock after learning what happened over the past 5 1/2 years of my life. They had assumed I was deeply immersed in several projects or had perhaps lost my mind and become a hermit living in a cave somewhere, writing theories on the walls, growing a beard and talking to soccer balls with seaweed for hair. Oops, never-mind. That was Tom Hanks in Cast Away...
I've taken my time reconnecting with people, because it's very emotionally taxing to relive everything by explaining where I've been and how I got there, why I wasn't able to communicate, etc. Regardless of whether one believes a convict deserved to be incarcerated or not, or whether or not it was "their own fault" for making the mistakes that put them there, the experience is no different to the person experiencing it than that of being kidnapped and isolated from the world for an extended period of time. The fear of being judged as a result of someone else thinking they have some moral high ground over you because you've been to prison and they haven't, and the fact that most people suffer from the delusion that you wouldn't have been sent to prison unless what you did was far worse than anything they have ever done, requires much courage to reintroduce yourself into their lives and "come out" to them.
So, it was with great disappointment that I learned recently about some things that went down with a group I was once loosely associated with. I say "loosely" associated with, because I never really cared for the nucleus of this group as much as I did the outer circle of the group. I considered these to be very cool people, misfits much like myself just trying to survive with whatever burdens had attached themselves to their backs, be it physical disability, mental or emotional idiosyncrasies, or whatever.
The nucleus of this group consists of a small handful of what could be considered B-list (or C or D-list) celebrities. (No, Kathy Griffin is NOT one of them. She's actually A-List in my book.) Those B-D-listers are not nearly as interesting as the people on the outer edges of their group, but they apparently hold themselves in very high esteem, as I have experienced first-hand the consequences of their over-inflated sense of self-importance.
It all started when I received a letter from a friend while I was in jail awaiting a court date. This friend was letting me know that there were some folks within our circle who had decided that I was someone to be ostracized and shunned, and that perhaps it was because they knew that I was aware of some things about their lives that they would rather not become public knowledge.
My response was that it made no sense for them to shun me out of fear or for any other reason, specifically because they were not perfect themselves, and I pointed out that the people in question had actually done things that, while perhaps devoid of ill-intent, could very well land them in prison if they were discovered.
I was making a point, not a threat. Yet somehow, my letter became the catalyst for a series of events that leaves me shaking my head in both disappointment and disgust.
When I was released more than 3 1/2 years ago, I paid a visit to the federal building, where not only was I required to visit periodically throughout my period of supervised release, but where I also enjoyed speaking with some people who work there who were sympathetic to what they considered to be an overly-harsh sentence as they watched what took place with my case. (No doubt, these would be considered infidels to others who work with them.)
It was then that I learned that, while I was "locked up", there had been phone calls made to the prosecutor's office and/or probation office (which are essentially the same thing) by people claiming that I had "made threats" to "write nasty things about them in my blog". REALLY???
After I shared a good laugh with the person who told me this, my response was "Wow! That's awesome! Somebody really thinks my blog is extremely important and very powerful! Wish I had known!"
It was then made clear to me that even the folks receiving these calls at the federal building thought it was ridiculous. "Who cares? It's the internet! So what if someone writes mean things about you?" I suppose the idea that there were people campaigning to silence my freedom of speech at a time when I didn't even have access to a computer only made some of these federal employees even more sympathetic to my plight. They had seen me betrayed and badmouthed by people who had previously been close to me, and now they were listening to them attack my right to express myself by lying about me (which is itself, a crime, when lying to a federal officer of the court) and some imaginary threat to talk about their secrets on my blog. (Again, I'm flattered that my blog is perceived by my enemies/friend-emies as being so important, so influential and powerful as to even matter who or what I discuss.)
To make this even more absurd, many of the people in this "group" (for lack of a better term) are people who claim libertarian views, some of whom have been quoted as saying that nobody should go to prison for anything unless it involves physical harm or death, (I agree), all who claim to value freedom of speech and the Bill of Rights, (except for other people's rights when it inconveniences them, clearly), and at least one of whom used to keep a blog and was, herself, bullied into "not discussing anything to do with" the all-important nucleus of "the group". Oh, and let's not forget that one of these people was once heavily into recreational drugs.
Ok. So that was bad enough. But wait! There's more!
Last night, someone I hadn't spoken to in years contacted me and filled my ears with interesting tidbits, or rather, huge bombs of information so disturbing I couldn't believe it, even in light of what I already knew they had done several years ago by calling the feds about my alleged plan to take over the world with my blog.
Apparently, he had been paid/requested/strongly encouraged to insert himself into the personal lives of several people perceived to be "threats" to the nucleus of this group and their lifestyle and the secrecy of it all, posing as a friend while actually there to "keep tabs" on these people. Can you say CREEPY boys and girls?
Why he decided to tell me this, I'm not sure. Perhaps he's as fed up with their delusional sense of self-importance as others apparently have become. Maybe he feels guilty. He certainly has reason to be ashamed of feeding such a despicable group of hypocrites with such trust-betraying information. (Sorry, but you know you do.)
Just for the record, I'll be taking so many secrets I've kept for so many people to the grave with me that there won't be room for me in the casket. I'll have to be cremated. And, if I ever found myself in a position where I felt compelled to reveal a confidence with which I have been trusted, to a certainty it would have to be something of monumental importance. Sorry, but the insignificant details of your personal lives, your "secret activities", and indeed, you yourselves as human beings, just aren't important enough for this blogger to bother with.
Fortunately, in ironing out details of some upcoming public speaking and broadcasting endeavors, I've met some far more respectable people whom I'm sure are worthy of the upward-gaze they receive from someone of such insignificant stature as myself. Let's just hope I never end up in jail again, lest I discover that they too, have secrets of which they are afraid I'll blog about.
A.
1 comment:
My first look at your blog, and I am, indeed, most impressed. I will read the previous entries and get "up to speed." Well done.
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