I have a friend whose life seems to parallel my own in many ways, or maybe it's the other way around. In any case, we are both able to relate to one another quite well as a result of our similar experiences.
First, I'll tell you about my friend's recent discovery: A man she works with (who also has a crush on her) started a rumor that she was having an affair, knowing that her girlfriend (yes, she's gay) would hear the rumor and hopefully break up with her. The intended and/or hoped for result was that the woman would then become available, and the man who started the rumor would have a chance with her. Why anyone would think that a break-up with someone would suddenly cause a gay person to become straight is something I don't understand, but that's a topic for another time.
Almost 25 years ago, I had a boyfriend I was crazy about. He seemed like a really nice guy, and we could both see ourselves spending the rest of our lives together, although we both had good enough heads on our shoulders to know that we should give ourselves until at least 25 before we got engaged.
He was a wonderful person to have in my life. My father had just died a year earlier and I found myself living in a new town and going to a new high school. I had dated some jerks at my previous high school, and it was so refreshing to have a boyfriend who truly seemed to care about me as much as I did about him.
One day, he just stopped talking to me. There was no explanation. No break-up. He just stopped talking to me. He didn't return my calls, he wouldn't look at me, it was as though I had dropped off the face of the planet. I never understood what happened, and chalked it up to a guy just not mature enough to be in a relationship, even though I felt as though there must be something I was missing.
Several years later, I was working as a deejay at a radio station and got a call from a friend I hadn't heard from since high school graduation.
His name was Jimmy. We met in homeroom when I first changed schools, mainly because he happened to be sitting in front of me. He was a short little guy whom others called a troll. He was mostly shunned by the other kids, but I thought he was nice and appreciated that I had an instant friend upon going to a new school in a new town.
Jimmy and I talked on the phone often. He brought my books and assignments to the house when I was out of school for several months due to a prolonged illness. He was a good friend.
Jimmy and I never dated. In fact, I had no idea he had any interest in me beyond friendship. Of course, I'm always the last to know.
When Jimmy called me years later, I invited him to the radio station to hang out while I worked the night shift. Between announcements, we drank Slurpees (I know, the story would sound much cooler if I said we drank liquor, but I've never been much into alcohol.) and reminisced about our high school days.
We talked about how, in just a few short years, our lives had changed so much, yet not so much. It was a nice visit, but near the end, things got pretty intense.
Jimmy confessed to me that he had carried a flame for me, and that all through high school he was jealous that I was dating someone else. He also told me that he had lied to my boyfriend and told him that he and I were seeing one another, and that I didn't have the heart to tell him.
It felt like the floor had dropped out from under me. Jimmy? My friend? Lied about me to someone I loved? What's worse, is that my boyfriend apparently believed the lie, and I then realized why he had stopped talking to me.
Jimmy said he had hoped that he and I would get together after the breakup, and that's why he had done what he did. I was flattered, and the fact that I viewed Jimmy as a special person in my life made it easier to forgive him, but it shattered my sense of trust in people in general, what little I had managed to have to start with after some of my childhood experiences.
For a long time, I wondered if I might have ended up marrying and having children and having a very different life than I ended up having if Jimmy hadn't lied. But then, someone pointed out to me that anyone who would believe something about me and then act on it without even discussing it with me first was probably not someone who truly cared about me that much in the first place. Maybe I was just being naive and the romance was just a ruse to get into my pants. I'll never know.
People tell me I'm cute. Truthfully, though, I'm nothing to write home about. I weigh more than someone my height should, and I am, after all, 41.
That's why it is quite shocking to me to learn that something very similar has recently happened with yet another friend I've had for several years. This time I'm not in a romantic relationship that has been destroyed by it, but suffice it to say there has been damage and unnecessary drama, and I SO dislike drama.
Jimmy had some mental health issues, and years later I was devastated to learn that he had killed himself. He was a lost soul, and I have a tendency to attract that kind of person into my life. This most recent situation is also someone who is a lost soul. I try to be a good friend, but sometimes it seems that no good deed goes unpunished.
I'm not sure what is more disturbing:
1) the fact that someone who claims to have romantic feelings for you lies and says awful things about you in the irrational hope that it will somehow increase their chances of developing a relationship with you (Only someone in love could engage in such irrational thinking, eh?)
or
2) a person (or people) you thought loved you and had your back would believe these things, and then totally change their attitude toward you without even telling you why
There are two kinds of people in our lives: the kind who would find anything negative they heard about you to be difficult to believe, even if it was true, and the kind who just really don't think much of you to start with, or harbor resentment towards you, and are therefore all too eager to believe anything negative they hear about you and almost seem to relish spreading the rumors.
I suppose it's better to know how people really feel about you than it is to labor under the delusion that they have your back. I don't have the strength to carry grudges. That is a burden I can't afford to bear. However, I can tell you that there is a great feeling of loss that comes with knowing that you are a fool to think that certain people have your back, or have unconditional love for you. I suppose, at least, we can be happy for those who do.
A.
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